Re-writing the Apostles’ Creed for Patriotic, Right Wing Americans

I believe in God, a legalistic, rationalistic deity,

Who made heaven and earth

For America and Israel, His two chosen nations:

America was conceived aboard the Mayflower,

Born at Philadelphia,

Suffered during the Civil War,

Was crucified, dead, and buried;

She descended into hell.

The fifth year she arose again from the dead.

She ascended to the heights,

And sitteth on the right hand of God with Israel;

From whence they judge the nations.

I believe in the Holy Will of the People;

The church of professional sports;

The sacred communion of war veterans;

The hatred of Russia;

The shedding of the body;

And the transhumanist life everlasting.

Amen.

Based on the version of the Apostles’ Creed found here:

http://www.reformed.org/documents/index.html?mainframe=http://www.reformed.org/documents/apostles_creed.html, opened 8 Nov. 2016

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Holy Ælfred the Great, King of England, South Patron, pray for us sinners at the Souð!

Anathema to the Union!