Our thanks to
the kinsman of SM, who provided us with this parody.—W.G.
***
The scene is
set in a small psychiatrist’s office. The psychiatrist (P) sits behind a wooden
desk next to a bookshelf and end table with a bust of Freud on it. The whole
thing looks normal and professional. In the chair in front of the desk sits a
man in drag (T) who is talking in a voice typical of sexual deviants.
T: . . .
and I just fear that I’m spending too much time obsessing over little things.
Like dress color or whether these high heels are too flashy, you know? I fear
that I’m losing sight of larger real problems like if my menstrual cycle
is off or not—whether I’m ready for a pregnancy, you know? Sometimes I get
really neurotic. Last week I spent two hours wondering whether I might have
cervical cancer. Another of the women in my family got cervical cancer real
young. But then I tell myself that it’s probably just a delusion that just
because one of them had at this age that I would.
P: [who has
been listening patiently and nodding at intervals] Yes, I definitely begin to
get to the heart of your case here, and I think you nailed it with your
emphasis on the delusional aspects of your case. In fact, I would say that
although you operate under the cloud of many small delusions, every last one of
them, and the problems that arise from them, falls under the umbrella of or can
be traced back to one grand delusion.
T: You mean
hypochondria? I wondered if it were that, because a lot of people in my family
have hypochondria.
P: No, I mean
the delusion that you’re a woman.
T: [staring at
him in shock] What!
P: I mean
you’re under the delusion that you’re a woman and not just some guy in drag.
T: [getting
upset] What are you talking about?! I am a woman!
P: No, women
have mammary glands, ovaries and cervices. I haven’t seen an x-ray or a
physical, but I’m 99.9% sure that you don’t. Hence, you are not a woman,
but merely a man under the delusion that he’s a woman.
T: [going from
being upset to angry] Why are you talking to me as if there are gender
binaries?
P: [keeping the
same casual, conversational tone] Well, because there are? They’re
physiological facts.
T: [getting
angrier and shriller] No they’re not! They’re social constructs!
P: Nooo,
they’re biological facts rooted in nature. The living parts of the entire
natural world are geared toward reproduction of DNA: in the simple creatures
this is done by asexual reproduction; but in higher life, this is accomplished
by the fusion of the two gametes, a male and a female—the
binaries, if you will. These are perfectly natural and have been so for
hundreds of millions of years before mentally and emotionally unstable humans
decided to pretend that they don’t exist or that they’re a social delusion.
T: [continuing
to fume] If they’re so natural why don’t people like me believe in them?! Why
aren’t we covered by them if they’re so damn right?!
P: Well,
because nature isn’t perfect and sometimes mistakes arise in the physiological
makeup of her organisms. The mere fact that a dog is occasionally born with
three legs doesn’t somehow disprove the idea that four legs for a dog is
natural, or prove that the idea that dogs are either born with four legs or
have suffered a birth defect is a social construct. The physiological defects
of you and those sharing your same delusion are merely regrettable accidents of
nature much like the dog’s three legs—though in your case they’re most likely
rooted in an off-kilter endocrine system and neurochemical complex.
T: [screaming]
No they’re NOT! This—this is madness! You’re just part of the conspiracy to
uphold white supremacy and discriminate against victims of nonbinary
gender!
P: No, you’re a
victim of nature’s unfortunate tendency to make mistakes and human nature’s
unfortunate tendency to try to rationalize mistakes and flaws as strengths or
advantages.
T: I am not
rationalizing! I am a woman and a victim of discrimination!
A victim of those who want to uphold white-male, binary-gender supremacy!
P: Oh, so it’s
a social construct invented by straight, white males, eh?
T: [nodding
angrily but confidently] Yes!
P:
[matter-of-factly]: Well, in that case, name me one human society in the
history of the world that didn’t believe that two binary genders is the natural
order of things.
T: [hesitating]
Well, there’s . . . Well, just look at the, uh . . . the—well of course
there’s, um . . . the—if I’m just under a delusion, then why do so many
politicians and celebrities and academics believe the same thing! [Grinning
triumphantly] Tell me that!
P: Most of them
likely don’t. It’s a case of what we call mass formation psychosis, something
common under totalitarian regimes with crazy ideologies that are internally
illogical or contrary to human nature or both. It’s basically a mass madness
arising from a conglomeration of all the parties involved pursuing their
separate goals under the regime’s loony doctrine: the leaders want the power of
total control over their subjects so they pretend to believe their own
ideological bilge; the social climbers and professional classes employed or
monitored by the state pretend to believe it to get ahead or not get sacked or
worse; most ordinary people pretend to believe it just to get on with their
lives without being persecuted; and the rest just make themselves try to
believe it so that they don’t feel crazy and isolated living in nationwide
asylum in which everybody else seems to believe it.
T: [looking
incredulous] You’re saying this is, this is a totalitarian society?
P: I’m saying
that the national security apparatus that has spent decades pulling regime
changes on foreign nations and psychological warfare on those citizens and its
own is finally so drunk on its own power that it’s giving the country strong
elements of one.
T: That’s
crazy, they wouldn’t do that! They couldn’t get enough people to go along with
it.
P: Why not?
They got them to go along with the Iraqi weapons-of-mass-destruction story, and
now the garbage about white supremacy.
T: [screaming]
That is not garbage it’s true!
P: Really? So a
society in which straight white males hold supreme power and oppress everyone
else naturally allows every one of its politicians, celebrities, and university
professors to spends half their time telling everyone how evil straight white
males are and using every third speech, movie, and research to denounce “whites
supremacy”?
T: [looking
flustered] Well, they—well of course it sounds stupid when you say it
that way!
P: No, it
sounds stupid when you say it in any way that puts it in a larger
context.
T: [looking
irritable] But why would they pretend to believe in transgenderism to control
people?
P: Eh, that’s
pretty normal among cults and governments doing mass formation psychosis.
Getting people to believe something that’s fairly normal or likely doesn’t
really let you gauge what degree of control you’ve got over the population: to really
know that you’ve got ‘em by the short hairs, you need to see them at least
pretending to believe something no one on his own would believe in a million
years; something that is utterly crazy, unnatural, and/or humiliating to even
pretend to believe—something like the idea that a man can become a woman just
by believing it.
T: [enraged]
That is NOT humiliating to believe!
P: You’re
right: it’s humiliating and crazy to believe!
T: [still
fuming but now sneering smugly] Well if it’s so damn unnatural or humiliating,
and everyone’s just pretending to believe it, why do some people go to get
transgender surgery on their own?!
P: It’s what
you might call the transgender cure—in the same vein as the geographic cure.
You
see, hope
springs eternal in the human breast for the most part, and when a person is
already miserable most of the time from whatever neurochemical or physiological
flaws they already have, they naturally gravitate to anything that promises and
quick and complete cure for them, however irrational it might be. Sometimes
they convince themselves—a la the geographic cure—that their problems are a
result of their current location and circumstances and that if they can just
leave it and get to city X, then they’ll feel better; but then they get there
and find their old misery waiting for them. Similarly, sometimes they convince
themselves—with a lot of help from the nutcases lobbying to get this madness
taken seriously—that their misery is a result of their having been “born the
wrong gender,” or some such nonsense, and that they’ll feel happy if they can
only “change genders,” but then they go “trans” and find not only their old
misery waiting for them, but a hell of a lot more thanks to the
hormone-altering drugs that have wreaked havoc with their already out-of-whack
neurological and endocrine systems. Why do you think about half of all
“transgenders” end up killing themselves?
T: It’s because
we’re bullied so much and face so much discrimination! We’re victims!
P: Oh, kind of
like blacks?
T: Yes! Exactly!
We’re the blacks of the gender world!
P: Did you ever
look at black suicide rates?
T: [staring
blankly] What?
P: Did you ever
look at black suicide rates?
T: [still looking
confused] No, why would I?
P: Well,
because if your theory holds, we should expect to see the black rate of
suicides per capita similar to those of trannies, or at least higher than the
rate for whites, but in fact what we see is that the white suicide rate is more
than twice the rate of blacks[i].
T: [looking
incredulous] It is?
P: Yeeesss,
which strongly points to your victims theory being just a crude ad hoc excuse
to cover the pathological nature of your physiological and neurochemical
condition.
T: [raising his
voice to a whiny scream as he goes] It is not! It is the truth!
We’re victims! Stop denying our VICTIMHOOD!
P: Uh, before
lecturing me about your “victimhood” and my ostensible denial of it, you
might want to stop asserting that your cohorts are more likely to be murdered
than straight, white male “oppressors.”
T: [livid with
rage] That—that’s not true! That’s impossible! You probably just got
that from some Right-wing conspiracy theorist!
P: Noooo,
from an “American Journal of Public Health” analysis[ii].
T: [starts,
stops in consternation and then starts again] Look, all we want is to be
treated with kindness and respect.
P: No, you
don’t. Your want power; you want domination. You want to turn your biological
flaws and vices into advantages and virtues—to force those who don’t have your
problems to call you their moral superiors and shower you with praise, perks,
and federal funds to whatever organization your cohorts put together to whine
for even more money and attention. You want to be able to get easy promotions
at whatever job you do even if your work is mediocre or outright bad by
threatening anyone who might object with a lawsuit for “discriminating” against
you. Your want the legal designation of an official “victim” so that you can
grandstand as one while acting like a bully, tyrant, and arrogant jerk. You may
be screwed up like hell biochemically, but that doesn’t preclude your having
the usual human flaws—including trying to get something for nothing at someone
else’s expense.
T: [enraged and
screaming] I am NOT! You—you can’t treat me this way! I’m reporting all
this to the American Psychiatric Association, so get ready to kiss your license
goodbye!
P:
[nonchalantly] That’s impossible. I don’t have a license.
T: [staring at
him in shock] What do you mean you don’t have a license? You mean you lost it
before this?
P: No, I
haven’t got it . . . yet.
T: You mean
it’s pending?
P; Well it will
be eventually, once I get a psychiatry degree
T: You don’t
even have a degree?! You never got a degree?!
P: Do you think
if I’d spent a half dozen years and tens of thousands of dollars getting my ego
inflated while loading up with whatever crap the universities and their
pompous, hermetically insulated tenurees are peddling at the moment, and had a
license to loose I’d be able to tell you honestly what a physiologically messed
up bastard you are?
T: Then—then
. . . how the hell are you practicing psychiatry?!
P: Because I identify
as a psychiatrist.
T: [staring in
horror] This is crazy! You can’t be a psychiatrist just by saying you are!
You’re NOT one!
P: Yeah, well
you’re not a female.
T: [screaming]
That’s totally different!
P: No, it’s
not.
T: You have no
degree!
P: You have no
vagina.
T: You—you
don’t have the training!
P: You don’t
menstruate.
T: You have no
right to be diagnosing people! You haven’t passed the state test and you
probably couldn’t pass it even if you wanted to!
P: [genially]
Well, I’ve got an infinitely better change at passing it cold-turkey than
you’ve got of conceiving children.
T: You . . .
I—how have you been getting away with this?! How have you been writing out
prescriptions?!
P: [casually]
I’ve got a buddy who identifies as a pharmacist.
T: [looking
like the world is crashing down around him] This is insane! This is beyond
insane! You can’t—you don’t! You can’t just pretend you’re something you’re not
and expect the whole world to go along with it!
P: [addresses
his patient concernedly, like a calm teacher] Look, I understand your concern.
This is probably all a little new and unsettling to you, but if progress is to
be made in our world we have to acknowledge the fallacy of the hoary old idea
of professional binaries—or, in layman’s terms, the prejudice that tries to
draw a distinction between those who have licenses or degrees and those who
don’t. Professionalism in the true sense is not an either/or matter,
it’s a continuum, with plenty of nuance and gray areas in every way.
T: Do you know
how insane this is all making me feel?! How do you think it makes me feel
knowing
I’ve been
pouring my heart out to some lunatic who thinks he can take my money and trash
my gender identity just because he pretends to be a psychiatrist?!
P: How do you
think a makes girls feel when some crazy bastard in drag comes walking into
their bathroom and expects them not to get freaked out just because he pretends
to be a woman?
T: But I am a
woman.
P: Yeah, well
then I’m a psychiatrist!
T: [sitting
back looking exhausted and staring]
P: You look a
bit overcome. Let me get a little further into my diagnosis of what ails you.
You suffer from a severe case of a condition we like to call hypocriticus
maximus—is estimated to be prevalent in at least 70% of Leftists in general and
up to 90% of the subgroup of unmarried bitchy women!
T: [screaming[
I am not a bitchy, hypocritical woman!
P: Well, you’re
half right about that
T: I want my
money back!
P: Sure, I’ll
give you your money back . . . juuuust as soon as you give back that
silver medal you won in “women’s” track.
T: [stands up
staring in silent rage and turns to walk out]
P: Uh, I
wouldn’t leave just yet if I were you.
T: [talking
through clenched teeth] Why the hell wouldn’t I leave now?!
P: The office
next door’s furnace was on the fritz and it’s being worked on as we speak by a
guy who identifies as a furnace repair man. You might want to wait until he
finishes.
[Suddenly
there’s an explosion from beyond the wall to the right of the psychiatrist.
Through his glass door you see people screaming and running followed by a burst
of flame.]
P: Never mind,
it should be fine now. See ya!
[The camera
cuts to outside the office. The tranny walks angrily out the door, through
which you see the psychiatrist sitting back casually and smoking a cigar. The
camera pulls back and you see the charred shop next door. Then it ends.]
[i] According to a May of 2021 Journal of
the American Medical Association research letter, the suicide rate for
blacks is 7.4 per 100,000 individuals; and 17.6 per 100,000 individuals for
whites.
Ramchand,
Rajeev, Joshua A. Gordon, and Jane L. Pearson. “Trends in Suicide Rates by Race
and Ethnicity in the United States.” JAMA Network Open 4, no. 5 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2021.11563.
[ii] “Results. The overall homicide rate of
transgender individuals was likely to be less than that of cisgender
individuals, with 8 of 12 RR estimates below 1.0.”
Dinno, ScD,
MPH, MEM, Alexis. “Homicide Rates of Transgender Individuals in the United
States: 2010–2014.” AJPH RESEARCH 197, no. 9 (September 2017): 1441–47. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2017.303878.
Note: The skit
would be incredibly cheap to do if you merely cut out the part showing the
charred office next door.
--
Holy Ælfred
the Great, King of England, South Patron, pray for us sinners at the Souð, unworthy though we are!
Anathema to
the Union!
