Friday, November 18, 2016

Re-writing the Apostles’ Creed for Patriotic, Right Wing Americans

I believe in God, a legalistic, rationalistic deity,
Who made heaven and earth
For America and Israel, His two chosen nations:

America was conceived aboard the Mayflower,
Born at Philadelphia,
Suffered during the Civil War,
Was crucified, dead, and buried;

She descended into hell.

The fifth year she arose again from the dead.

She ascended to the heights,
And sitteth on the right hand of God with Israel;
From whence they judge the nations.

I believe in the Holy Will of the People;
The church of professional sports;
The sacred communion of war veterans;
The hatred of Russia;
The shedding of the body;
And the transhumanist life everlasting.


Based on the version of the Apostles’ Creed found here:


Holy Ælfred the Great, King of England, South Patron, pray for us sinners at the Souð!

Anathema to the Union!

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