Our thanks to the kinsman of SM, who provided us with this parody.—W.G.
***
The scene is set in a small psychiatrist’s office. The psychiatrist (P) sits behind a wooden desk next to a bookshelf and end table with a bust of Freud on it. The whole thing looks normal and professional. In the chair in front of the desk sits a man in drag (T) who is talking in a voice typical of sexual deviants.
T: . . . and I just fear that I’m spending too much time obsessing over little things. Like dress color or whether these high heels are too flashy, you know? I fear that I’m losing sight of larger real problems like if my menstrual cycle is off or not—whether I’m ready for a pregnancy, you know? Sometimes I get really neurotic. Last week I spent two hours wondering whether I might have cervical cancer. Another of the women in my family got cervical cancer real young. But then I tell myself that it’s probably just a delusion that just because one of them had at this age that I would.
P: [who has been listening patiently and nodding at intervals] Yes, I definitely begin to get to the heart of your case here, and I think you nailed it with your emphasis on the delusional aspects of your case. In fact, I would say that although you operate under the cloud of many small delusions, every last one of them, and the problems that arise from them, falls under the umbrella of or can be traced back to one grand delusion.
T: You mean hypochondria? I wondered if it were that, because a lot of people in my family have hypochondria.
P: No, I mean the delusion that you’re a woman.
T: [staring at him in shock] What!
P: I mean you’re under the delusion that you’re a woman and not just some guy in drag.
T: [getting upset] What are you talking about?! I am a woman!
P: No, women have mammary glands, ovaries and cervices. I haven’t seen an x-ray or a physical, but I’m 99.9% sure that you don’t. Hence, you are not a woman, but merely a man under the delusion that he’s a woman.
T: [going from being upset to angry] Why are you talking to me as if there are gender binaries?
P: [keeping the same casual, conversational tone] Well, because there are? They’re physiological facts.
T: [getting angrier and shriller] No they’re not! They’re social constructs!
P: Nooo, they’re biological facts rooted in nature. The living parts of the entire natural world are geared toward reproduction of DNA: in the simple creatures this is done by asexual reproduction; but in higher life, this is accomplished by the fusion of the two gametes, a male and a female—the binaries, if you will. These are perfectly natural and have been so for hundreds of millions of years before mentally and emotionally unstable humans decided to pretend that they don’t exist or that they’re a social delusion.
T: [continuing to fume] If they’re so natural why don’t people like me believe in them?! Why aren’t we covered by them if they’re so damn right?!
P: Well, because nature isn’t perfect and sometimes mistakes arise in the physiological makeup of her organisms. The mere fact that a dog is occasionally born with three legs doesn’t somehow disprove the idea that four legs for a dog is natural, or prove that the idea that dogs are either born with four legs or have suffered a birth defect is a social construct. The physiological defects of you and those sharing your same delusion are merely regrettable accidents of nature much like the dog’s three legs—though in your case they’re most likely rooted in an off-kilter endocrine system and neurochemical complex.
T: [screaming] No they’re NOT! This—this is madness! You’re just part of the conspiracy to uphold white supremacy and discriminate against victims of nonbinary gender!
P: No, you’re a victim of nature’s unfortunate tendency to make mistakes and human nature’s unfortunate tendency to try to rationalize mistakes and flaws as strengths or advantages.
T: I am not rationalizing! I am a woman and a victim of discrimination! A victim of those who want to uphold white-male, binary-gender supremacy!
P: Oh, so it’s a social construct invented by straight, white males, eh?
T: [nodding angrily but confidently] Yes!
P: [matter-of-factly]: Well, in that case, name me one human society in the history of the world that didn’t believe that two binary genders is the natural order of things.
T: [hesitating] Well, there’s . . . Well, just look at the, uh . . . the—well of course there’s, um . . . the—if I’m just under a delusion, then why do so many politicians and celebrities and academics believe the same thing! [Grinning triumphantly] Tell me that!
P: Most of them likely don’t. It’s a case of what we call mass formation psychosis, something common under totalitarian regimes with crazy ideologies that are internally illogical or contrary to human nature or both. It’s basically a mass madness arising from a conglomeration of all the parties involved pursuing their separate goals under the regime’s loony doctrine: the leaders want the power of total control over their subjects so they pretend to believe their own ideological bilge; the social climbers and professional classes employed or monitored by the state pretend to believe it to get ahead or not get sacked or worse; most ordinary people pretend to believe it just to get on with their lives without being persecuted; and the rest just make themselves try to believe it so that they don’t feel crazy and isolated living in nationwide asylum in which everybody else seems to believe it.
T: [looking incredulous] You’re saying this is, this is a totalitarian society?
P: I’m saying that the national security apparatus that has spent decades pulling regime changes on foreign nations and psychological warfare on those citizens and its own is finally so drunk on its own power that it’s giving the country strong elements of one.
T: That’s crazy, they wouldn’t do that! They couldn’t get enough people to go along with it.
P: Why not? They got them to go along with the Iraqi weapons-of-mass-destruction story, and now the garbage about white supremacy.
T: [screaming] That is not garbage it’s true!
P: Really? So a society in which straight white males hold supreme power and oppress everyone else naturally allows every one of its politicians, celebrities, and university professors to spends half their time telling everyone how evil straight white males are and using every third speech, movie, and research to denounce “whites supremacy”?
T: [looking flustered] Well, they—well of course it sounds stupid when you say it that way!
P: No, it sounds stupid when you say it in any way that puts it in a larger context.
T: [looking irritable] But why would they pretend to believe in transgenderism to control people?
P: Eh, that’s pretty normal among cults and governments doing mass formation psychosis. Getting people to believe something that’s fairly normal or likely doesn’t really let you gauge what degree of control you’ve got over the population: to really know that you’ve got ‘em by the short hairs, you need to see them at least pretending to believe something no one on his own would believe in a million years; something that is utterly crazy, unnatural, and/or humiliating to even pretend to believe—something like the idea that a man can become a woman just by believing it.
T: [enraged] That is NOT humiliating to believe!
P: You’re right: it’s humiliating and crazy to believe!
T: [still fuming but now sneering smugly] Well if it’s so damn unnatural or humiliating, and everyone’s just pretending to believe it, why do some people go to get transgender surgery on their own?!
P: It’s what you might call the transgender cure—in the same vein as the geographic cure. You
see, hope springs eternal in the human breast for the most part, and when a person is already miserable most of the time from whatever neurochemical or physiological flaws they already have, they naturally gravitate to anything that promises and quick and complete cure for them, however irrational it might be. Sometimes they convince themselves—a la the geographic cure—that their problems are a result of their current location and circumstances and that if they can just leave it and get to city X, then they’ll feel better; but then they get there and find their old misery waiting for them. Similarly, sometimes they convince themselves—with a lot of help from the nutcases lobbying to get this madness taken seriously—that their misery is a result of their having been “born the wrong gender,” or some such nonsense, and that they’ll feel happy if they can only “change genders,” but then they go “trans” and find not only their old misery waiting for them, but a hell of a lot more thanks to the hormone-altering drugs that have wreaked havoc with their already out-of-whack neurological and endocrine systems. Why do you think about half of all “transgenders” end up killing themselves?
T: It’s because we’re bullied so much and face so much discrimination! We’re victims!
P: Oh, kind of like blacks?
T: Yes! Exactly! We’re the blacks of the gender world!
P: Did you ever look at black suicide rates?
T: [staring blankly] What?
P: Did you ever look at black suicide rates?
T: [still looking confused] No, why would I?
P: Well, because if your theory holds, we should expect to see the black rate of suicides per capita similar to those of trannies, or at least higher than the rate for whites, but in fact what we see is that the white suicide rate is more than twice the rate of blacks[i].
T: [looking incredulous] It is?
P: Yeeesss, which strongly points to your victims theory being just a crude ad hoc excuse to cover the pathological nature of your physiological and neurochemical condition.
T: [raising his voice to a whiny scream as he goes] It is not! It is the truth! We’re victims! Stop denying our VICTIMHOOD!
P: Uh, before lecturing me about your “victimhood” and my ostensible denial of it, you might want to stop asserting that your cohorts are more likely to be murdered than straight, white male “oppressors.”
T: [livid with rage] That—that’s not true! That’s impossible! You probably just got that from some Right-wing conspiracy theorist!
P: Noooo, from an “American Journal of Public Health” analysis[ii].
T: [starts, stops in consternation and then starts again] Look, all we want is to be treated with kindness and respect.
P: No, you don’t. Your want power; you want domination. You want to turn your biological flaws and vices into advantages and virtues—to force those who don’t have your problems to call you their moral superiors and shower you with praise, perks, and federal funds to whatever organization your cohorts put together to whine for even more money and attention. You want to be able to get easy promotions at whatever job you do even if your work is mediocre or outright bad by threatening anyone who might object with a lawsuit for “discriminating” against you. Your want the legal designation of an official “victim” so that you can grandstand as one while acting like a bully, tyrant, and arrogant jerk. You may be screwed up like hell biochemically, but that doesn’t preclude your having the usual human flaws—including trying to get something for nothing at someone else’s expense.
T: [enraged and screaming] I am NOT! You—you can’t treat me this way! I’m reporting all this to the American Psychiatric Association, so get ready to kiss your license goodbye!
P: [nonchalantly] That’s impossible. I don’t have a license.
T: [staring at him in shock] What do you mean you don’t have a license? You mean you lost it before this?
P: No, I haven’t got it . . . yet.
T: You mean it’s pending?
P; Well it will be eventually, once I get a psychiatry degree
T: You don’t even have a degree?! You never got a degree?!
P: Do you think if I’d spent a half dozen years and tens of thousands of dollars getting my ego inflated while loading up with whatever crap the universities and their pompous, hermetically insulated tenurees are peddling at the moment, and had a license to loose I’d be able to tell you honestly what a physiologically messed up bastard you are?
T: Then—then . . . how the hell are you practicing psychiatry?!
P: Because I identify as a psychiatrist.
T: [staring in horror] This is crazy! You can’t be a psychiatrist just by saying you are! You’re NOT one!
P: Yeah, well you’re not a female.
T: [screaming] That’s totally different!
P: No, it’s not.
T: You have no degree!
P: You have no vagina.
T: You—you don’t have the training!
P: You don’t menstruate.
T: You have no right to be diagnosing people! You haven’t passed the state test and you probably couldn’t pass it even if you wanted to!
P: [genially] Well, I’ve got an infinitely better change at passing it cold-turkey than you’ve got of conceiving children.
T: You . . . I—how have you been getting away with this?! How have you been writing out prescriptions?!
P: [casually] I’ve got a buddy who identifies as a pharmacist.
T: [looking like the world is crashing down around him] This is insane! This is beyond insane! You can’t—you don’t! You can’t just pretend you’re something you’re not and expect the whole world to go along with it!
P: [addresses his patient concernedly, like a calm teacher] Look, I understand your concern. This is probably all a little new and unsettling to you, but if progress is to be made in our world we have to acknowledge the fallacy of the hoary old idea of professional binaries—or, in layman’s terms, the prejudice that tries to draw a distinction between those who have licenses or degrees and those who don’t. Professionalism in the true sense is not an either/or matter, it’s a continuum, with plenty of nuance and gray areas in every way.
T: Do you know how insane this is all making me feel?! How do you think it makes me feel knowing
I’ve been pouring my heart out to some lunatic who thinks he can take my money and trash my gender identity just because he pretends to be a psychiatrist?!
P: How do you think a makes girls feel when some crazy bastard in drag comes walking into their bathroom and expects them not to get freaked out just because he pretends to be a woman?
T: But I am a woman.
P: Yeah, well then I’m a psychiatrist!
T: [sitting back looking exhausted and staring]
P: You look a bit overcome. Let me get a little further into my diagnosis of what ails you. You suffer from a severe case of a condition we like to call hypocriticus maximus—is estimated to be prevalent in at least 70% of Leftists in general and up to 90% of the subgroup of unmarried bitchy women!
T: [screaming[ I am not a bitchy, hypocritical woman!
P: Well, you’re half right about that
T: I want my money back!
P: Sure, I’ll give you your money back . . . juuuust as soon as you give back that silver medal you won in “women’s” track.
T: [stands up staring in silent rage and turns to walk out]
P: Uh, I wouldn’t leave just yet if I were you.
T: [talking through clenched teeth] Why the hell wouldn’t I leave now?!
P: The office next door’s furnace was on the fritz and it’s being worked on as we speak by a guy who identifies as a furnace repair man. You might want to wait until he finishes.
[Suddenly there’s an explosion from beyond the wall to the right of the psychiatrist. Through his glass door you see people screaming and running followed by a burst of flame.]
P: Never mind, it should be fine now. See ya!
[The camera cuts to outside the office. The tranny walks angrily out the door, through which you see the psychiatrist sitting back casually and smoking a cigar. The camera pulls back and you see the charred shop next door. Then it ends.]
[i] According to a May of 2021 Journal of the American Medical Association research letter, the suicide rate for blacks is 7.4 per 100,000 individuals; and 17.6 per 100,000 individuals for whites.
Ramchand, Rajeev, Joshua A. Gordon, and Jane L. Pearson. “Trends in Suicide Rates by Race and Ethnicity in the United States.” JAMA Network Open 4, no. 5 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2021.11563.
[ii] “Results. The overall homicide rate of transgender individuals was likely to be less than that of cisgender individuals, with 8 of 12 RR estimates below 1.0.”
Dinno, ScD, MPH, MEM, Alexis. “Homicide Rates of Transgender Individuals in the United States: 2010–2014.” AJPH RESEARCH 197, no. 9 (September 2017): 1441–47. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2017.303878.
Note: The skit would be incredibly cheap to do if you merely cut out the part showing the charred office next door.
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Holy Ælfred the Great, King of England, South Patron, pray for us sinners at the Souð, unworthy though we are!
Anathema to the Union!
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